Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


Thine eyes, at night, reply
   with glimpses, torrents and throes;
   batting lashes as phoenix ashes,
   skips of stone on open shores.



          Wax to wane to bend friendly,
          may this season be neverending:
          rain drops on top,
          wholesome sun on sole,
          frosted futures,
          the non-stop motion of blossoms.



          Thine eyes, at times, defy
          all psychic laws,
          some physical, too;
          there's whimsy, lipstick, demure posture -
          one is lost in you.



   The trickle that tickles the seed
   is budding infinitely;
   deafening, blinding, enlightening –
   thou shine through aquamarine dreams:
this is what it must be like to see.
a poem.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2005-11-02
An unusual but engaging love poem, go ahead and get lost in Blue Skies by ~white-joke ( Suggested by SparrowSong and Featured by imperfect )
:iconcatching:
catching Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2006
I enjoyed some of the wordplay in this poem ("sun on sole" works really well), and the rhyming, internal and otherwise, is pretty solid. Why the thees and thines though? It's very archaic. Are you acknowledge the Romantic roots of the poem? I'm not sure it's necessary--in that way, at least. Is it supposed to a mockery? The rest of the poem doesn't acknowledge this tone. In addition, grammar like "thou shine" isn't proper conjugation--shineth is required, if thou is used.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
firstly, apologies for the tardy reply: i do not log on to this account often.

as for the thees and thines, they are of an eloquence lost to these modern days.
too, they are preferred modes of speech, when referring to other persons. especially when writing.

i thank thee for demonstrating the conjugation of words to follow "thou".
i have some learning to do. for while i am aware of hath, art, et al, the "eth" form was lost to mine understandings.

it is understood, too, that this piece is not in its entirety archaic; still, these forms are to be kept, for that is the way of the words.

how did you come about these forms? read much of ye olde english, do you?
Reply
:iconcatching:
catching Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
English major, lots of olde English reading (eh, yay?). And I would have to argue against the idea of "thee" and "thou" being preferred modes of speech, based not only on typical contemporary speech, but contemporary writing (I haven't seen thees and thines since the time of Keats, except for in mockery). The concept of forms meant to be kept, also, is something I would strongly disagree with. The evolution of words, modes of speech (as I know them, anyway, and as I think most do), syntax, etc, is what is most interesting, most applicable in writing. Here, the poem's subject is heavily hindered by the context your thees and thines give it; it becomes quite restricted to the achaic sense. The alleged eloquence of thees and thines has long since given way to a more applicable, contemporary sense of eloquence: the old eloquence, you might call it, is made significantly less eloquent by its contemporarily inapplicable connotations.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
boldy i presume that you also enjoy the verb "to get"...? and perhaps the sloppy, overuse of the words "just" and "like"?
contemporary!
posh and bollocks!

what jaw do you jabber, my good man?

gift me with your conjecture some of the modern connations which outrule, outclass, and outdo modes of antiquity, then i may come to realise and side with what you are saying unto me.
in present speech, there is no evolution; there is only slobbering regression into simple communication that says no thing in particular.

for clarification: the modes of thee/thou/thine are preferred by this one--meaning me.
Reply
:iconcatching:
catching Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
Arguments against "just" and "like" are void; they presuppose that similar unlikable (no pun intended) fillers did not exist in archaic language. Also void is the idea that allegedly simple communication says "no thing" in particular; that's simply not true. Contemporary language has, for the most part, a wider range of meanings than the archaic, definitions which have accumulated over time, and which have certainly progressed--not regressed--since that time (cases in which this is true come by the millions). Simply put, more definitions allows more connotations (simple use of words, in fact, create a wider range of connotation--uses which have "outdone" archaic language simply through time). The concept of language "outruling," "outclassing," or "outdoing" any other form of language is also void, being that these concepts, concepts such as "class," are based out of opinion. Clarity of writing is achieved through clarity of language; and, while words such as "thee" and "thine" are no less clear than words like "you" or "your," you'll notice the most effective form of communication are those which are linguistically relevant to the period of time in which they are used (to support your arguement, you would have needed to have referred to me as "thee" in the above response). In an attempt to preserve words such as "thee" and "thine," you're simply choosing words which you feel are superior, more pure. That's fine, as a matter of opinion, but understand the repercussions of building a wall between the archaic words you choose to use, and the more applicable language used by the majority: your readers. I would assume that the majority of readers and publishers would be more inclined to reject this sort of use, unless the poem thematically assumes a distance, historical or otherwise, between reader and speaker. Boiled down, what's your point? Why are you using these words other than the fact that you think they're "more eloquent"?
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
what's thine is mine,
and what is mine
is actually a diamond mine.

all in all,
this finding of fault
is granular salt,

and insulting,
as it solves no thing--
and is revolting.

let us not speak of archaic speech
as if it is deigned to breach
the public's sleep.

nay, if one may be so bold
and brave, as to brave
the wave of worldy ways--

hearken: it is that language
is an art, which is grossly
on decline--and, verily,

what's thine to define
is fine, so long as 'tis not mine;
for, what is mine

is wrought of a diamond mind.
Reply
:iconcatching:
catching Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
..Alright, just trying to be constructive. Not insulting. Or revolting. Enjoy your (thine) diamonds.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2006
the words given me were much appreciated.
truly, what you have said will stick in mental cavities for a long while.
consider yourself an influence.

here i conclude the debacle by saying: i do not write to the public. i write to an ideal, with theideal being one of days long since past...and other such lyrical, idyllic nonsense.
Reply
:iconcatching:
catching Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
Bah. Archaic, even. Tricky 'r's.
Reply
:icondreamgale:
Dreamgale Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2005
Utterly amazing.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
thanks be to you. :)
Reply
:iconxfragile-cadencex:
xfragile-cadencex Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2005
Intriguing. Your words fly by me like ribbons of moonshine.
Reply
:iconelenoir:
ElenoiR Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2005  Professional Traditional Artist
It flows so beautifully. Every line/verse seems to roll off the tongue^_^!
:star::star::star::star:
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
roll with me. :)
i do so like to roll with flows.
Reply
:icondeus0ex0machina:
deus0ex0machina Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
i have nothing important to say but, my god this is beautiful.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
what you have said is important to me.
Reply
:iconhated-riddler:
Hated-Riddler Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005   Writer
'Thou,' 'thine,' 'shall?' Trying a bit hard for being poetic, methinks. And lipstick isn't a posture.

Your rhymes were well-done, though, and it's altogether nice.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
'there's whimsy, lipstick, demure posture--'

where is it that lipstick is written as a posture?
as for "trying" to be poetic, well, i can no more try than i do.
and, since it is up to me, i will not be you.

thanks be to thee for the commentary.
Reply
:iconmidnite-angel:
Midnite-Angel Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
love it... the word choices are... perfect :heart:
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
perfection may be privy to reconstruction.

:)
Reply
:iconmidnite-angel:
Midnite-Angel Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
haha :)
Reply
:iconimmensedream:
ImmenseDream Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
Beautiful last stanza. I especially love the last two lines.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
thanks be to thee.
Reply
:iconhugfiend:
hugfiend Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
What an excellent poem! I do have a criticism to offer, but not on the poem itself. It's on the image you used. It's a very nice image, however, I would not recommend using Japanese unless you've checked that what you've written is correct..... you've written あおいのじょうくう(aoi no joukuu), which technically does mean "blue skies" but it's grammatically incorrect. You'd want to write 青い空(aoi sora). Sora is a better word for sky and the "no" is completely unnecessary. :) I just thought it was worth mentioning!

And I really do like your poem. Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
when i have the drive to fire up the ol' shoppe, i will edit the japanese.
thank you.

i do speak japanese, but am rather limited.
soon there'll be a degree under me belt. then i will catch things like this.

again, thank you.
Reply
:iconehnydeel:
ehnydeel Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
:wow:
i love the concept -- simple but genial
great work :clap: :+fav:
best greetz
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
thanks be to thee.

gosh, i wish i had more to say.
Reply
:iconlauzon:
lauzon Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005  Professional General Artist
Very nice
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
thanks be to thee.
Reply
:iconjwcfirefox:
JWCFirefox Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
Beautiful.
Spectacular wording, every line does this poem great justice.
You've done very well. :)
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
greater still is the justice of thine unto mine.
Reply
:iconshadowcthuhlu:
Shadowcthuhlu Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
lovely work.
Reply
:iconguitarkitty:
guitarkitty Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
I love....this poem...it is really beautiful and damn you it's wormed it's way into my favorites! Nice work, romantic...stuff...is my favorite thing to write about, but you are the KING of it I believe...*favs*
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
king?

who, then, is to be my queen?
i have here an empty seat...

would you sit twixt me and the words i speak?
Reply
:iconriskalittlelight:
RiskALittleLight Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
I know it's been said many times before, but...wow. Wow wow wow. I love how the way you rhymed here and there- there's far too little rhyme in poetry these days, I think. But you did it wonderfully, and everything just flows together like a faint song on a summer's evening. Dammit, you've made me poetic now. Great work. :+fav:
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2008
my reply is three years too late...but...welcome to the life of a poet. ;)
Reply
:iconx0z:
x0z Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
i think this is the first poem that has found it's way into my favorites...

the structure is amazing. to me, everything just seems to flow, like a song, but music is not necessary. excellent imagery as well... and i'm sure just about any woman (or man) would love to receive this poem! :D
:+fav:
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2008
your words are too kind. after three years...i no longer know what to think of this piece.
Reply
:iconxxxrebel-princessxxx:
xXxRebel-PrincessxXx Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005   Photographer
nice work
Reply
:icontwistedmisted:
TwistedMisted Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005   Writer
A wonderfully structured poem with beautiful words to clearly express the piece, a quick but good read that quickly slips into my mind and stays there. Some heart went into it and it really is a good piece of literature.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
if there is no heart, there is no poem.

please excuse the tardiness of this reply.
Reply
:iconrot10:
rot10 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2005
love this is raping me
thanks i needed it__
:worship: :heart:
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2008
well, while i don't wish for anyone to be raped...glad it struck a chord in you. ;)
Reply
:iconsparrowsong:
SparrowSong Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
"Thine eyes, at times, defy
all psychic laws,
some physical, too;
there's whimsy, lipstick, demure posture -
one is lost in you."

These lines make me happy, and I can't quite explain why. Lovely.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006
no need for explanation.
explanations only muddle.

be happy.
for that is what i be presently.
Reply
:iconsparrowsong:
SparrowSong Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
I am quite happy, and I'm glad you are too. :)
Reply
:iconaeonmarie:
aeonmarie Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2004   Writer
...uh-oh...goose-bumps...damn...

you...you good...you!...

damn.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2004
ha. you think so?
well, now... I don't know what to think.
Reply
:iconmudpuddle:
Mudpuddle Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2004   Photographer
You are incredible.

Thank you.

I know, don't explain, I know, silly.
Reply
:iconwhite-joke:
white-joke Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2004
yes. at times, yes.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconwhite-joke: More from white-joke


Featured in Collections

DD's of 2005 by krissimonsta

Literature by RiskALittleLight

Literature by drkelement


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
September 5, 2004
File Size
1.5 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
4,480
Favourites
103 (who?)
Comments
53
×